3 posts tagged “family”
I think I've always been different. And not different amazing but different odd. It wasn't until moving in with my father to the city as a teen that I truly felt I belonged someplace. Like I fit with somebody. More reserved than my mother, less reserved than my father, I am full of middle of the road qualities that completely oppose every other quality I have. For example, I'm reserved but a complete open book. I wear my heart and emotions on my sleeve but I'm selective about whom I allow close... you follow?
My family is Italian on my mother's side and my father, well I never really knew his family but he's English and Irish. You couldn't put two more different human beings together if you tried. Seriously. My mother is boisterous and booming and my father well, he's absolutely not. My mom is all about family and family business stays within the family and my dad, he kinda says do what makes you happy kid.
It's funny trying to communicate with parents. And I've been thinking about this a lot because I don't want to pass onto Drew the problems I have communicating with my own parents. I would like his path to me to be easier than I feel my own is. But I'm not sure how to make that happen. I guess it will happen though over time and being aware of it is probably the first step to creating an easier road.
For me, it would be nice to feel somewhat understood. And certain events this week have made it very clear that I am the black sheep of my little world. Oddly enough I think a part of me has come to terms with that fact and is now okay with it. But as a kid it was rough knowing that I was different and feeling that my mother might not have approved of my ways and even wished for me to be different than I was, more like her, more like everyone else, less like me.
I want to be okay with Drew and give him space to be who he is despite my wishes for him. And I want to guard that space from others, anyone really, who tries to influence him and make him different than he wants to be. As it nears his first birthday and he starts to communicate more, I am just starting to really try and think about the mother I want to be and the relationship I want to have with my son.
God, he's going to be one. ONE. As in 12 months. I can't believe time went that quickly.
My boy is one. Amazing.
A few weeks ago, my cousin got married. My best friend offered to sit for Drew so we could go and we accepted. Off we went to the wedding. As the cocktail hour was winding down, I got a call saying the baby had been crying and was now hyperventilating and Sharon was a bit nervous. She was lost as to how to calm him, and hearing him on the phone like that broke my heart. Also hearing how overwhelmed by his hard crying that Sharon was, well... that made me nervous for both of them. Sharon was lost and my stomach was turning and I said, Do I need to come home?
The answer was yes.
So we left the wedding before the dinner even started. We got a call as we neared our exit on the expressway and the baby was calm but we were already closer to home so we just decided to continue.
To say my mother was displeased would be an understatement. She was quite disappointed and incredibly pissed. But she was good. She didn't agree with my decision but didn't cause a rafter either. She respected me and my decision to go to my hyperventilating son.
The next day I called my cousin and apologized. All was fine between my cousin and I. But that same morning a family member called me to tell me that there was some chit chat about how nuts I am over my son, how I did the wrong thing and basically alluding to the fact that I am a crazy mother.
Like many women, I am no stranger to people talking about me behind my back. But, I didn't expect family members to talk about my decision to leave a place when the person taking care of my son was saying YES YOU SHOULD COME HOME.
Further, I was disappointed that this family member didn't defend me. To be quite honest, many many things are said about this person and I staunchly defend them. I take their side blindly and keep my personal opinions between me and them. I do this because I love them. I do this out of respect.
No one at that party defended me. I'm not assuming that my family sat around the entire night talking about me. But obviously things were said about me and I'm hurt and angry that no one stepped up and said, ya know we don't know what was said to Jen on the phone. Let's not jump to conclusions without giving her the benefit of the doubt.
No one said that on my behalf.
Further to that point is the fact that this person told me that there was discussion. What did you think would come of that? If I don't know, I don't care. But if you tell me that people were discussing my parenting and using words such as crazy, of course I'm going to care. Be defensive. Get pissed. What else would happen? These are the same people that I'm having over my house to celebrate my son's birthday. Now you're telling me that they are talking about me and my parenting saying that I'm crazy.
Well, we had words. I was angry. I wanted to cancel Drew's party. I didn't. I haven't. But I'm left with this bad taste in my mouth. My thoughts revert to, these people, my family, are coming here out of respect for my mother. They don't like me as a person or respect my parenting views regardless of whether they agree with them.
No.
So I'm at an impasse. My stomach is in knots. I haven't talked about this with the person who called and told me all this drama. We left off that day with loose ends. I was crying and they didn't know what to do about it. So we hung up and though we spoke once after that, we didn't talk of this mess.
My mother says what do you care.
But I know, so I care.
Deep breaths and I'm sure I will let this all go. Somehow. Some day.
We had a rough night last night.
Drew slept a lot during the day and decided that 1 am was a perfectly sane hour to get up... and stay up. Being that I work from home on Friday's, I got up with him. He fell back asleep by 2 then proceeded to cry any time I tried to put him in his crib. So at 2:30 am I fed him a bottle, which he downed in about 15 minutes and fell asleep. Until 3 am.
At 3, it started to thunder, loudly, which woke the dogs, the baby and Andrew.
Andrew gets up and starts to complain about a multitude of things. The baby crying, what I should be doing to keep him quiet etc and I nearly lose it. Okay. I admit. I completely lost it.
Instead of getting up and asking how long I've been up with Drew or asking what I have already tried to get him to sleep, he goes right into "Ya know Jen, you can't just let him cry like that... I mean, give him a bottle... you know he's teething, soothe him. Give him something for his mouth."
Oh, that's right, I let my son cry hysterical, starve to death and stay awake in pain. That's me. Mother of the year.
We fought. Loudly. Which of course scared the baby so we stopped. Now it was 4 am. Andrew got the baby to sleep and came to bed. And I was too angry to sleep. So I watched the minutes on the clock go by until I couldn't anymore and fell asleep about 5 am.
When I woke up this morning, I tried to wake Andrew 3 times. He wouldn't budge. So finally at 8 am, which is very late for him to wake up, I tell him it's the last time I'm trying to wake up. He finally gets up and what does he say?
"Why didn't you wake me".
Oh. My. God.
I hold it in and simply say, I did, 3 times in fact. He goes into the bathroom.
When he comes out I'm making his lunch, as a gesture of peace and again... he says..."Why are you using a roll? Can't you just use bread?"
Are all men this dense?
Does he have anything nice to say to me?
With the amount of interrupted sleep I get, the taking care of Drew while working 2 jobs sometimes 3 and the taking care of the house... I really have very little patience left over to train my husband on how to give me a compliment.
So I've decided to sell him. He's somewhat house trained. He is wonderful at running errands when asked. He loves washing the car and taking care of the lawn. And, as my good friend pointed out, he's good looking.
Any takers?
