6 posts tagged “miscarriage”

Quick update to let you know I'm not dead... just seriously not into blogging at the moment. Second article has been published over at Flaimahmy... 

Two years ago, Mother's Day wasn't a celebration for me. I was smack dab in the middle of a depression after losing my first pregnancy almost 12 weeks in (10 weeks). Andrew and I hadn''t yet started to try again but we were talking about it. I couldn't seem to find my way through the mucky haze of my emotions and when mother's day came around, I was a shell.
While many see Mother's Day as  something of a "Hallmark Holiday", a holiday created by the famous greeting card company simply to sell more cards, for women dealing with infertility, it's a cruel reminder of what you've lost, what you can't seem to attain and the very thing your heart is crying out for.
I remember so very clearly waking up that mother's day morning. I dreaded it. I wanted to pull the blankets up over my head and wake up Monday. I actually longed for a Monday. I remember talking to my mother, crying. My heart hurting over the fact that I should be carrying a baby in my belly, celebrating a mother's-to-be day. But instead, I was empty. Empty of so many things but most importantly, my belly was empty.
Now two years later, my world has turned around. I have the most amazing boy next to me. He is all love and joy and without him, my world would end. Only 7 months old and I can't believe I ever lived without him.
But my joy over being his mother couldn't be so immense without my profound sadness over losing what could have been. I cherish every single day because I know how very hard I worked to look in my sons eyes and see my husband and myself.
This is my first Mother's Day and honestly, my gift came on October 7th, 2008. My son is the greatest thing I've ever created in my life and this entire day, I'm wondering why I'm not honoring him. He's made me a better person, given me the courage to live my dream, work harder for what I want, smile more and appreciate all the little things I once took for granted.
So while people are wishing me a Happy Mother's Day, I'm thanking him for making me a mother. Finally.

After having my first miscarriage, it was hard for me to go anywhere without seeing blatant images of baby powder, baby food, baby this and baby that. Everywhere I went I felt like women with their children -- both inside and outside of the womb, were all around me. And I cried. A lot. The first time I went food shopping after the miscarriage was awful. I turned down each aisle, a zombie, numb from too many emotions bubbling over. Unable to hide them, I openly wept behind my black sunglasses watching pregnant women smile as they walked by.

Then I turned down the baby aisle. The big yellow sign with letters in building blocks spelling out b-a-b-y. Just the week prior I walked down that same aisle, smiling, knowing there was life inside me. And there I was 7 days later, barren. I finished shopping, hopped in my car and sobbed. I don't mean cried, I mean hyperventilating, chest heaving, not the pretty kind, sobbed.

Yesterday, Andrew was busy doing outdoor work so I took Drew food shopping with me. I put him in my front carrier and wheeled around each aisle as he looked up at me and smiled. He cooed at the people admiring him and was fascinated by the lights.

Then I got to the baby aisle.

And my emotions overwhelmed me again. I cried. I cried tears of happiness. I cried tears of gratitude and I cried for the woman who 2 years ago, didn't even realize how very torn apart she was. I knew I was sad. I knew I was depressed. I knew I was going through something that only my sisters in that god awful word infertility could understand. But I never realized how truly broken I was. 

Now standing in the same aisle I avoided for almost a year, with the child I worked so hard to conceive, my heart filled and I felt like I had truly come full circle.

I don't think you ever really forget the pain you feel after a miscarriage. Any traumatic experience is burned into your heart and I believe, the scars from those wounds, make you stronger. But they are always there, reminding you. A constant blip on your radar.

For the record though, as horrific as that year was, I wouldn't have it any other way. That baby, only 10 weeks in my belly, was still my baby. And the experience, as soul-ripping as it was, brought me here, with Drew. And he amazes me. Every day. I was meant to have this journey and I'm proud of it.

And I'm glad that chapter is closed. Finally.

Tomorrow, December 23rd, will be two years since my first miscarriage. It started as I was driving home from the supermarket. I was rear ended by a Jeep Liberty carrying a newborn baby girl, her mother and grandfather. They slid into me on a road slick with the cold, icy rain that had just begun. I was almost 11 weeks pregnant. I felt fine but the EMT convinced me to go to the hospital to be 100% sure the baby was alright.

The baby wasn't alright. They couldn't find a heart beat and on December 26th, I had a D&C.

The following year, 2007, I had a very early miscarriage at 5 1/2 weeks. I guess that one didn't affect me as much. It was a chemical pregnancy. The zygote hadn't yet implanted. But that first miscarriage rocked my world.

I remember getting the miscarriage panel paperwork and seeing the sex. A girl. It broke my heart all over again. I lost her all over again.

Even though I have Drew, it doesn't mean that I don't think of the miscarriage. I do. I think I could have a 1 1/2 year old little girl running around. Maybe she'd look like Drew. Maybe she'd look more like Andrew. I don't think I'll ever stop wondering about her. I don't want to forget my journey. It's what makes motherhood sweeter for me.

But I hope that one day, I'll think about her with less pain. I hope.

There are so many things in life that leave you scarred and dealing with "side effects" of what happpened; things that leave their mark on  you. Our relationships from the time we're born make their marks and create the person we become. From the relationships we have with our parents, to our first friendships, our loves, to the relationship we create with ourselves to events and experiences, they all leave their mark on us and change who we are becoming with each turn.

There were many things that I can look back on and say "that forever changed me", but the thing that was most difficult for me to comprehend and that forever changed me as an adult was of course, my miscarriage. I've written many poems about it some I've shared, most I haven't. It's hard to let people in on those experiences that are still somewhat painful for you.

On E=MC2, Mariah wrote a long overdue song, Side Effects, about her marriage to Tommy Mattola, former CEO of Sony. Privately, any painful situation is difficult to manage but add the public's prying eye on top of it, well I can't imagine. There is a line in Side Effects  that for me is so telling, Still a little depressed inside, I fake a smile and deal with the side effects. We've all done that haven't we? Faked our smiles and happiness to avoid dealing with the true issue at hand.

When the album first came out, Mariah was unsure about releasing Side Effects as a single or if she'd ever perform it live because it was just so personal. Last week, she was on Jimmy Kimmel and peformed 5 songs, one of them, Side Effects. Apparently, it's between I Stay In Love and Side Effects for the next single. I don't know what made her change her mind and the performance above is seriously one of my favorite. You can see she's a bit nervous in the beginning but towards the end, she's garnered her strength and has overcome.  Which is quite apropro for the song, don't you think?

I guess I should start by telling you something about me. Why does it always feel odd to say "my name is Jennifer"? I always feel so nerdy saying that like I'm in some sort of group therapy meeting (which I've attended by the way). I wish there was a better way to go about introducing myself to the blogosphere, but I don't really think there is. At least you know my name now though.