16 posts tagged “pregnancy”

Two years ago, Mother's Day wasn't a celebration for me. I was smack dab in the middle of a depression after losing my first pregnancy almost 12 weeks in (10 weeks). Andrew and I hadn''t yet started to try again but we were talking about it. I couldn't seem to find my way through the mucky haze of my emotions and when mother's day came around, I was a shell.
While many see Mother's Day as  something of a "Hallmark Holiday", a holiday created by the famous greeting card company simply to sell more cards, for women dealing with infertility, it's a cruel reminder of what you've lost, what you can't seem to attain and the very thing your heart is crying out for.
I remember so very clearly waking up that mother's day morning. I dreaded it. I wanted to pull the blankets up over my head and wake up Monday. I actually longed for a Monday. I remember talking to my mother, crying. My heart hurting over the fact that I should be carrying a baby in my belly, celebrating a mother's-to-be day. But instead, I was empty. Empty of so many things but most importantly, my belly was empty.
Now two years later, my world has turned around. I have the most amazing boy next to me. He is all love and joy and without him, my world would end. Only 7 months old and I can't believe I ever lived without him.
But my joy over being his mother couldn't be so immense without my profound sadness over losing what could have been. I cherish every single day because I know how very hard I worked to look in my sons eyes and see my husband and myself.
This is my first Mother's Day and honestly, my gift came on October 7th, 2008. My son is the greatest thing I've ever created in my life and this entire day, I'm wondering why I'm not honoring him. He's made me a better person, given me the courage to live my dream, work harder for what I want, smile more and appreciate all the little things I once took for granted.
So while people are wishing me a Happy Mother's Day, I'm thanking him for making me a mother. Finally.

After having my first miscarriage, it was hard for me to go anywhere without seeing blatant images of baby powder, baby food, baby this and baby that. Everywhere I went I felt like women with their children -- both inside and outside of the womb, were all around me. And I cried. A lot. The first time I went food shopping after the miscarriage was awful. I turned down each aisle, a zombie, numb from too many emotions bubbling over. Unable to hide them, I openly wept behind my black sunglasses watching pregnant women smile as they walked by.

Then I turned down the baby aisle. The big yellow sign with letters in building blocks spelling out b-a-b-y. Just the week prior I walked down that same aisle, smiling, knowing there was life inside me. And there I was 7 days later, barren. I finished shopping, hopped in my car and sobbed. I don't mean cried, I mean hyperventilating, chest heaving, not the pretty kind, sobbed.

Yesterday, Andrew was busy doing outdoor work so I took Drew food shopping with me. I put him in my front carrier and wheeled around each aisle as he looked up at me and smiled. He cooed at the people admiring him and was fascinated by the lights.

Then I got to the baby aisle.

And my emotions overwhelmed me again. I cried. I cried tears of happiness. I cried tears of gratitude and I cried for the woman who 2 years ago, didn't even realize how very torn apart she was. I knew I was sad. I knew I was depressed. I knew I was going through something that only my sisters in that god awful word infertility could understand. But I never realized how truly broken I was. 

Now standing in the same aisle I avoided for almost a year, with the child I worked so hard to conceive, my heart filled and I felt like I had truly come full circle.

I don't think you ever really forget the pain you feel after a miscarriage. Any traumatic experience is burned into your heart and I believe, the scars from those wounds, make you stronger. But they are always there, reminding you. A constant blip on your radar.

For the record though, as horrific as that year was, I wouldn't have it any other way. That baby, only 10 weeks in my belly, was still my baby. And the experience, as soul-ripping as it was, brought me here, with Drew. And he amazes me. Every day. I was meant to have this journey and I'm proud of it.

And I'm glad that chapter is closed. Finally.

I was watching Oprah yesterday while I worked. The topic was “The Secret Lives of Mom’s”. One of the segments was entitled, “Things I wish someone told me…” and that got me thinking about the things I’ve been surprised at since becoming a mother. There are so many, where do I begin.

I wish someone had told me that I was going to resent my husband. I didn’t realize how deeply I would dislike him. I resent that he seems more carefree about everything than I do. I resent that I go to work and my mind is on 300 million things and his mind is on 1 (wanna guess what that is?). I’m not quite past the I-can’t-stand-you-so-get-out-of-my-face part yet, but when I am, I’ll let you know.

I wish someone had told me that my husband would feel differently about my body after watching it grow a human being. I knew I would feel differently about my body but truly, I had no idea that Andrew would as well. Suddenly my body wasn’t just for his (or my own) pleasure, it made humans. It’s a factory. It’s a thing, an entity unto itself. I still don’t think he’s fully recovered from the idea that I make people.

I wish someone had told me that I wouldn’t change as a person but would be so profoundly different. There’s something that clicks inside of you. Something turns on and makes you feel differently about everything. Yet somehow you feel the same. Just different.

I wish someone had told me that I might feel like this baby is not exactly mine. He looks like me. He came from me but somehow for the first 8 weeks, he didn’t really feel like he belonged to me. I felt like any second, someone was going to pull a camera out and say “You’re on candid camera!” They didn’t so I’m guessing he really is mine. This isn’t some experiment I fell into and no one is going to take him from me; which is good because 6 months later, if anyone tried to take him away, I’d chew their fingers off with my bare teeth.

I wish someone had told me that feeling tired and going out with spit up on my clothes would be the best thing I’ve ever experienced. Somehow, all these things we go through, the attention to bowel movements, feeding schedules and how much spit up is coming through, are all a part of being a mother. And for me, who became a mother later in life, it’s what I wanted. It’s taken some getting used to but suddenly, I wouldn’t know what to do if I wasn’t thinking “this is seedy mustard type poo – awesome!”

There are so many things no one tells you about being a mother. The thing is, no one can tell you everything. And all of these crazy little OH MY GOD things can’t ever add up to the one HUGE I can’t live without this little human thing.
 

Andrew John III arrived October 7th at 5:20 pm. He weighed 5 lbs. 12 ounces and was 18" long. He came 3 weeks early. He is perfect in every way possible. I have never in my life felt more in love than I do right now. I can't imagine loving anything more than I do my son. More to come when mom isn't feeling as if she is in a fog.

I still have to do the shower post but couldn't help but to share this. I'm convinced. My son is going to be a rock star. In the morning, I listen to my iPod on the way to work. It's just easier for me than radio. I like way too many genre's to find one station to listen to.

So for some reason, yesterday, I wanted to listen to Tesla's Five Man Accustical Jam. I put it on and the baby kicks up a storm. He's kicking, rolling, squirming... Mariah comes on... nothing. Maino, nothing. Another Tesla song, movement all around.

This morning, I put the entire Cd on and he had a nice workout. Andrew plays guitar and bass so maybe we have a little rock star on our hands. I wouldn't doubt it!

In honor of my son:

My baby shower is this weekend and honestly, I can't really believe that it's here. It's going to be so strange to come home with baby things. Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited to see what my mother has cooked up, but there's a part of me that is kind of like, OMG, it's real. I'm not just gaining weight for no reason.

I've been trying to imagine my life with a baby in it... and I can't seem to do that. Maybe it will become more palpable when I'm able to see baby things around me and have his room set up.

Speaking of, the plumbing is completed on the basement! We still have to replace the stairs and close up the steps with risers and clean up the electric box (there are wires all over the place) but we're at a place where we can continue to sheetrock the few areas that aren't so we can get the taper in and the rug guy into measure!!! So soon. I think we'll be painting by the very end of September or very very beginning of October. Which is great.

So we're almost there. Hopefully nesting will kick in by then because I've honestly wanted no part of that yet.

Gwen Stefani 14 days after giving birth to her second son Zuma Nesta (I can't with the name, sorry).

Um... can I please look like this 2 weeks after giving birth? PLEASE!?!

When I was a little girl, my mother and I used to watch I Love Lucy religiously. I think because my mom is clumsy and a little on the flighty side, she identifies with Lucy in a lot of ways. Trust me, she IS Lucy in a lot of ways!

Our favorite episide was when Lucy finds out she's pregnant. The entire episode she's trying to tell Ricky the news but something keeps getting in the way. Finally, she goes to the Tropicana nightclub, where Ricky works as a singer, and passes a note through the maitre'd. The note asks Ricky to sing "We're having a Baby". It goes on to say that this woman would like to announce to her husband that they're pregnant. He starts the song, goes onto ask as he's singing different couples if they're the lucky ones, each couple shaking their head.

He finally gets to Lucy and she nods. And I can cry now just thinking about it. So I'm going to try and control my hormonal surge right now and get some tissues. In the meanwhile, watch and enjoy!

I can't believe it's Monday. What happened to the weekend? We worked on the basement both Saturday and Sunday this weekend which was so good. And by we I mean Andrew and his brother. We got a lot done and I'm hoping to get even more done next weekend. We're shopping for a taper which means painting is not too far away.

We just want to get the walls painted and the rug down so we can move furniture. Little things like doors, finishing the bathroom (tile, fixtures etc.), window trim and the wall-paneled wainscotting will be left for after baby gets here. We just need to evict Andrew from his current office space.

I'm getting excited about painting. Yeah I know I'm weird. I like a few Benjamin Moore colors for the nursery and one really muted red for the basement. I think it will look nice with the wainscotting. We were going to do the Low Voc paint safe for everything, but we heard the odor is just as bad with those paints as with normal paints and they're more expensive. So good ole Ben Moore will do fine for us.

I keep thinking that if this were Martha Stewart, things would be "good" by now. Maybe I need more tyrant in  my being, ya think?

I've never been so tired in my entire life. And I'm sleeping. A lot. Building a baby sure takes a lot out of you. Everything makes me tired. Everything. Waking up makes me tired. By the time I get to work, I could go back to sleep for the rest of the day.

I know I've mentioned it before but I love Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood. Unfortunately it's on at 10 pm so I missed the new episode. Fortunately Oxygen replays them so frequently, no need to even Tivo it. Well last week's episode, Tori gave birth to Stella, her daughter wearing a "designer maternity gown". It was really adorable and with a little research, I've found the company that makes them. B.Y.O.G (Bring your own gown). They're cute but $95? Hmmm...

Another company also makes maternity gowns. Daniela Corte makes the Dar-a-luz Maternity gown. This gown is $98, made from 100% organic cotton and has twisted shoulder straps, a v cut neck line, empire waist and ties down the back for that ever so helpful opening.

Personally, I can't imagine spending close to $100 on something that will have blood and afterbirth on it, but they are adorable and more fashionable than the normal oversized garbage bag the hospital makes you wear. Maybe I'm not the demographic though...